Still NOT Engaged

Single ladies—many of us have received those Facebook posts from some of our girlfriends that include a close up shot of her finger showing off that beautiful rock—the jewel of great price—yes, that diamond ring. The caption on the picture reads “I said YES!” or “She said YES!” If it’s not this picture, it’s the romantic, moving video of her boyfriend proposing to her in front of her family and friends, and she’s in tears before she’s says yes. She may have told you in person “Girl, I’m engaged!” while flashing that diamond on her left hand. She’s ecstatic, her family is excited, and you’re happy for her. You’re that great friend that’s in her corner and wish her all the happiness in the world. Or… you may be that friend that’s struggling to be truly happy for her. One can easily say you’re jealous, but you’re really not.  You are genuinely excited over her engagement, but there’s just a small part of you that’s wondering “When will it happen for me?” As quiet as this is kept, I’ve heard that many women struggle with this internally. You don’t have to raise your hand, but if you’ve personally felt this way, it’s ok, I understand.

After you’ve seen all the engagement posts, you may be tempted to break out the wine, commit arson by setting your computer on fire, and chunk down a half a gallon of your favorite ice cream.  Here are some better ways to deal with that!

1. Be happy for her! True, genuine friends are gifts from God. These types of friends are one in a million! If your friend, the new bride to be has been a dear and loyal friend, you realize that she deserves this happiness! The goodness and kindness she has sown into your life and the lives of her other friends are returning to her threefold in the form of true love.  Besides, your friend probably had to go out with a few jerks before meeting her Mr. Right. You were supportive and a listening ear when she told you about the drama she put up with from some of these guys—cheating, baby mama drama, playing games, not knowing where the relationship is going—you know the drill! Now it’s a wonderful sigh of relief that God has blessed her with a man that will give her the love she deserves. Think about it. Which news would you rather hear—the wonderful news that she’s found her “Boaz”, the man she’s been praying for, or the horrible news that her “Bozo” of a boyfriend is still giving her grief and drama?

Also, it does not take anything away from you, or make you less of a person to   celebrate her engagement with her. It is her time to walk into this season of marriage. God wants us to rejoice with them that rejoice (Romans 12:15).  You may not see it now but know by faith that God has you next in line when He’s ready!  So be encouraged! Your friend’s engagement does not mean that God has overlooked you. It means that He’s in your neighborhood. What He’s done for her, He’ll do for you! God is no respecter of persons. He gives nothing but the best to His children!

1. Be honest about your feelings. If you’re like me, you’ve been single for quite some time now. You may be in the 30 plus, 40 plus, or the 50 plus club, and you’re following God’s will by living right and keeping yourself pure as a single woman. But when another one of your friends are become engaged, you feel it’s another reminder that you’re still…. single. It’s human and natural to wonder when it will happen for you.  So in your solitude, be honest with yourself and the Lord (yes, the Lord) about your feelings. Spend some time with him in prayer and talk to Him about what you’re really feeling. Remember it’s just you and Him. It’s ok to tell Jesus “I’m happy for my friend, and I’m really trusting you, but sometimes I wonder when it will be my turn. What’s going on? Is something wrong with me?” Or “I really want to be happy for my friend, but I’m having a hard time and not sure why. Please help me with this!” He won’t condemn or judge you. He will understand how you’re feeling and why you’re feeling that way, because He loves you unconditionally. We don’t have to come to Him like we have it all together. He wants us to come to Him as we are—real and transparent with Him. This is where having a close relationship with Jesus Christ comes in. Jesus Christ is not just our Savior and Lord we go to church and worship on Sunday morning. He is our closest friend who wants to get close to you and cares about everything that’s going on with you on a daily basis. Cast all your cares on Him because He cares for you (1 Peter 5:7). The Lord may also lead you to talk to a friend who is understanding and listen to you without judgment, so you can process what you’re feeling.

  2. Seek God’s perspective. The Lord will not only hear and understand your feelings, but will also give you the right perspective–His perspective. That perspective is that He allows everything to happen for a reason and for our good (Romans 8:28).  He will reveal to you why you haven’t gotten engaged yet. God may still be preparing you. Or you may be ready, but the Lord is still preparing that man to meet you and make you his wife. And trust that the Lord is not going to send you just any man. We must also keep in mind that marriage is more than two people loving and romancing each other; it’s a serious commitment to each other for life. After the engagement, the wedding, and the honeymoon, real life sets in. God must equip you and your future mate to deal with the joys and challenges of marriage, of remaining one in Him.

3. Don’t get caught up in the hype! Everything is not always what it seems, especially on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram. One of my dear sisters in Christ, Courtney Aiken said in one of her FB videos to single women that everyone is not who they “post” to be.  Yes, there are some couples with genuine happy engagements. They are beautiful testimonies of what happens when God brings two people together, especially if we know them personally. But for some of these engagement posts, we don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. It’s amazing how many people live their lives on social media. As another lady commented in a discussion with single women, that some engagement posts may be for entertaining purposes only. For instance:

• She may be flaunting the ring with her fiancé like a happy couple, even though they can’t stand to be in the same room with each other.
• She may have accepted the ring from her man that’s a cheater (and knows it), but decided to settle for him and the beautiful ring. She likes showing off to her friends that she’s engaged, instead of letting him go and waiting for the right one God has for her.
• He could’ve given his fiancée a ring after being with her for a number of years, because she’s been constantly bringing up her desire to marry. He gives her a ring to appease her, even though he may not ever marry her. 

4. Get READY! Just as Israel had to enlarge their tent to receive God’s blessings (Isaiah 54:2), allow God to show you how you can make room to receive the wonderful mate He has for you! Your season of singleness is the perfect time to allow God to prepare you. Let Him reveal the changes you need to make in your life. He will show you the things and people you need to let go off to receive His best. While you’re waiting, enjoy your life and get involved in your purpose. There are some things that God wants you to accomplish for His kingdom as a single person. Who knows, you may meet your mate while working in God’s field, like Ruth did when she met Boaz (Ruth 2:1-15, 4:13).

As a single woman myself, there have been moments where I’ve congratulated friends on their engagements, and at the same time wondered to myself,”Lord when will it be my turn?” And God would gently say to me “Don’t worry, I got you!” He would remind me often that He’s still in control and my times are in His hands. I’m a witness that the Lord will fill you with His peace and help you to be content until He changes your marital status to “engaged”.

So to my single ladies, if you’re not engaged yet, don’t give up.  God knows where you are and has not forgotten about you. God has your best interests at heart and is working on your behalf right now. He promised to give you the desires of your heart. It may seem like forever, but the Lord is preparing that husband uniquely designed for you. And custom orders take time! When you become engaged and tell your friend the good news, guess what, she’ll be excited for you as well. Continue to trust Him. The Lord knows what He’s doing!

I encourage you to rest in the Lord and provide your friend all the love and support during this wonderful time in her life. Know that you’re next in line to meet the husband God has for you, and it will be in God’s perfect timing.  And make you’re looking your best and cutest in the wedding party. Don’t get depressed, have some fun and enjoy yourself. Who knows you may meet your blessing at the reception!